Weekend Get-a-way

Dh and I spent the weekend at the beach. We had actually made these plans before starting our IVF cycle. It's been over a year since we spent time away from home, when we went on a cruise last summer with my entire family. We were overdue for some time just for the two of us.

We were afraid that the weekend would be less enjoyable due to damage from Katrina. The damage was evident. Several boardwalks to the beach did not have stairs, and debris from the condo was washed all up and down its quarter-mile stretch of private beach. Who knows what was in the water.

We went for one walk along the beach, but it was a bit dangerous. Just once I glanced behind me at some seagulls, instead of glancing directly where my feet were stepping. Of course, I brought my foot down right on top of a very large, broken shell. I stopped putting weight on my foot just in time to prevent getting cut. It would have been upsetting to walk along a couple hundred more yards of algae polluted beach with a cut foot. (The algae accumulated from the puddles of standing water on the beach that were slowly evaporating.)

Dh and I had appointments for massages on Saturday morning. Since I had never had a massage before, I was a bit nervous. However, my upper back and neck were so stiff that I was willing to give it a try. It's amazing that a pursuit designed for relief/relaxation can still manage to bring up the dreaded feelings of IF bitterness. For starters, I was confronted with a long check list of ailments to be completed before the massage, of which I had suffered five. It was "great" to be reminded of past surgeries and a cancer diagnosis in the middle of a relaxing weekend.

The masseuse mentioned she had a daughter my age who didn't have any kids, and a son who had four kids. (GRRR!!! That bitter IF bug again.) I asked her if she got to see her grandchildren often, and learned her own sad story. Her husband had passed away four years ago, just 18 days before his retirement. They had bought a RV and everything. She eventually decided she could still move south on her own. And she admitted being bitter in regards to her bereavement. I immediately regreted having asked her any questions, having done so just out of polite interest. I really wanted to spend my hour in quiet solitude.

The masseuse informed me as she worked that she sensed some tension in my hips as well. Ha!!! What a surprise! She tried to say that's not uncommon when someone has shoulder pain, but we all know that hip tension is just left over from all of those PIO shots. (Speaking of those shots, my hips are still sore even though the swelling has subsided. It's as though all of those needle sticks have caused nerve damage or something.) During our time at the spa we were a bit disturbed to learn that the facility had actually had water in it just three weeks earlier from Katrina, with the outcome that most of the employees had become ill in one form or another from working there since.

I managed to relax considerably during our one full day away from it all, and I really needed to. I was glad to have a break from cooking and cleaning the kitchen. Okay, especially cleaning the kitchen. And it was wonderful to listen to the ocean from the balconey and stretch out in a king size bed. But alas, the weekend was all too short. Now, it's back to the real world. It's Tuesday night, and I'm already exhausted.

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I truly can escape IF. I still haven't removed the tampons from my purses, as though I'm afraid doing so will be a trigger that would result in the loss of my baby. Apparently, I'm still an IF "lunatic."