Thursday, August 19, 2004

It's Just Not Fair

My sister dropped by to let me know that I am going to be an aunt. She was fortunate enough to conceive her second cycle off of birth control pills. This sucks. I really don't know how I feel. I'm happy for her, and I'm glad that my parents will get to be grandparents. However, it just isn't fair. I've gone through three Clomid cycles, three Clomid cycles with IUI, and three Gonal-F cycles with IUI, and I've never, ever been pregnant. I can only hope that this injection cycle will work, but even then my sister will have my parents first grandchild.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Starting Over

So, today I got completely pissed and aggravated and deleted my Typepad account. For the past month I've been feeling as though the majority of the individuals who were reading and posting were not all that supportive. Very few of the ladies understood my position as a "true" infertile, and how angry I am that I have never been able to conceive a child. I can't even dream of an angel in heaven. Despite six past IUIs, including three with injectables, I have still had a completely empty womb without the slightest indication that it is even possible for my husband and I to create a biological child.

I have never claimed that miscarriages shouldn't be considered painful. However, my rage began when I had to listen to a coworker tell other that she was pregnant with child number two. She was all nervous about this pregnancy since she had a miscarriage a few months earlier. Sure, I agree she has the right to be concerned, but hearing her pregnancy announcement on a Friday afternoon was enough to ruin my weekend. It only made it worse to then hear her worry about miscarriage possibilities when I can't even get pregnant to begin with. I would have felt differently if it weren't for the fact that she already has a very young child.

I've been plagued by a nasty disorder called endometriosis that has resulted in cells growing wherever they aren't supposed to, and it results in pain throughout the month at times. For the most part, only women who have suffered from endo can understand how painful it is. To top it off, according to the recent news, there is even the possibility that the increased level of macrophages that coincide with endometriosis could be responsible for eating my eggs before I even have a chance to get pregnant or damaging an embryo so it can't implant. (This was in a recent newsletter from WebMD or Integramed.)

Tonight I will start stims for my fourth injection cycle. Even though I've had amazing responses in the past with four and five eggs, there has been no indication that anything has fertilized, and certainly nothing has stuck for the slightest amount of time.

So, in my rage, I deleted my Typepad account tonight, because I'm not paying money from my meager teacher salary to allow other people to lecture me in regards to what apparently are my radical ideas about infertility.

Basically, I'm jealous and angry in regards to what I don't have, and I don't want to put up with hearing the complaints from other women who have been blessed with a child. Perhaps this sounds harsh. Maybe some of you who innocently stumble across my site are shocked. That's just tough, because this is how I feel. Any feelings that the antidepressants don't cancel out are going into this blog.

So, this is what my blog is going to be about. This is not the place to come for perky posts. There will be no pom pom waving on my site. If you can't deal with my anger, then don't visit here. Because, I'm basically going to repeat over and over how unfair primary infertility is. If you can't empathize, go away. I don't need any stressful comments from you since I'm in the middle of the last injection cycle that my insurance will pay for.