Thursday, July 28, 2005

Last Trip Across the Bay

I picked up my last bottle of PIO today. Thankfully I only have twelve more shots to go. My hips have huge lumps, and they hurt so badly! Twelve more... I can do this.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Second Ultrasound and Random Thoughts on Pregnancy After Infertility

My OB did a 2nd u/s to measure my cervical length last week, since the u/s at my RE's office did not do so. This is a very real concern since I've had a LEEP and a cone biopsy. Fortunately, I am told that things looked great. The baby is still measuring right on target and had a h/b of 163.

Today I am 9 weeks pregnant. I had to go buy some granny style pants with drawstrings and elastic waists yesterday, because most of my clothes are not fitting. At least the pants were on sale. I've only gained two or three pounds! I'm in shock because I read everywhere that I'm not supposed to be showing yet, but I definitely have a pooch. I'm blaming it all on the extra hormones from the PIO shots and estrogen patches.

I'm still suffering some IF issues. I'm rather aggravated by how some people are so much more interested in my dh and I now that we are pregnant. We really could have used the support from these individuals during some of the dark times when we felt very bitter about the fact that we were having to try so hard for a family.

For example, my own mother didn't bother to research IVF until I was in the second week of the 2ww post-retrieval. Then, she would come trotting over to share the tidbits of information that she had apparently gleaned from blogs. Fortunately it didn't sound as though she revered any of the blogs I have frequented, but I thought she would have had the sense to use a more medically oriented site for one of her sole sources of IVF info. Now she has gotten into the habit of popping by every afternoon after work to share unwanted tidbits of pregnancy advice from 30 years ago. I guess I should just be glad that I'm finally getting some attention, since my sister got my parents undivided attention during her pregnancy, even though dh and I had been ttc for three years. They were very insensitive about the whole situation.

The other thing that has aggravated me is that some of the other young couples from Church are suddenly more interested in us now that we are finally knocked up. Two couples have called and actually want to go out to dinner with us. It's amazing that they couldn't find anything to talk to us about before our bfp.

I don't want to continue being bitter, and I want to move on with our lives. It's just impossible to pretend that the pain over the last three plus years never happened. Most of the time I do feel better, and I think it's best for the baby for me to try to stay as positive as possible. Maybe I'll be more able to bask in the pregnancy glow when I finally reach the second trimester. After all, I'm only 9 weeks today.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

So Far, So Good *Knock On Wood*

Well, I have somewhat fallen off the face of the blogosphere while my dh was between his two jobs, resembling the closest thing to a vacation he will have gotten this summer.

We were very fortunate that Hurricane Dennis struck to the east of us, not that I really would want any area to suffer from a severe hurricane. The good news was that the storm diminished significantly before making landfall east of Pensacola. All we had to do to clean up some limbs that had blown down from the pecan trees.

My u/s was on Tuesday, July 12 as scheduled. Everything went really well! We could see the embryo's heart beating as soon as the u/s began, and it was measuring at 141 beats per minute. We even got to hear the heart beat, which was really cool! I hadn't realized that was even possible.

The u/s took place when I was seven weeks, and the embryo measured 7w1d, with a possible error of measurement of +/- 2 days. The tech also took a look at my ovaries, which are huge. They each apparently have a corpus luteum cyst on them. Actually there were two on my right ovary and just a single huge on the left, which appeared to be the size my ovaries normally are. I was asked if I had been suffering any pain on my left side as a result, but I really hadn't noticed.

When I got dressed, dh and I exited the u/s room to find my RE and everyone from the office in the hallway congratulating us. I never thought I would experience that moment. It was actually a bit shocking, since I was being released from the RE so that my OB/GYN can continue to monitor the pregnancy from here. As much as I hated the long drive to the RE's office, I actually shed a couple of tears that I wouldn't be seeing some of the people in the office any longer. I know it's crazy. I guess it's just hard to contemplate moving on after working with them for over two and a half years.

Tomorrow I go to my OB/GYN's office for an u/s to get a baseline measurement of my cervix. I was relieved to hear that my dr remembers that she really needs to keep track of that after my LEEP and cone biopsy. However, my first full-blown OB appt will not take place until 8/4, which is the day before I have to return to school for teacher workdays.

I can't believe the summer is almost over, and it has been completely consumed by IVF.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Hurricane Dennis

I've been nervously watching Hurricane Dennis's path for the past several days. Hurricane Ivan made landfall in the county where I live last year, and I just can't believe we could be enduring this again less than ten months later.

My first u/s is scheduled for Tuesday, July 12, and I have been anxiously waiting to find out whether or not we will see the heartbeat. This has been a long wait for dh and I. We had to wait a year before ttc due to my d/x of carcinoma in situ. Before that year was quite over, I was in a lot of pain daily, so my OB/GYN decided to do a lap. I was diagnosed with endo and placed on six months of Lupron. Then we spent more than three years actively ttc, and during that time we did 7 IUIs before progressing to IVF.

My dh tells people we were ttc for 5 years. There is some truth to that, since we were wanting a baby before my health crisis. However, I have always chosen to just focus on the years we were allowed to actively try.

After all of this, and now a hurricane has to pop up to possibly delay my u/s.

I'm tired of waiting.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Even After a BFP, IF Still Haunts You

Dh and I did something very, very brave. We have actually been to church the last two Sundays. The first Sunday we were actually semi-prompted due to the fact that our church was having its first service in the new building that has been under construction for about two years. It was tough. I still wanted to cry during all of the old songs that upset me, but finally after having my first BFP I could look at a family without becoming emotionally distraught.

Today, the second Sunday, actually went great. I didn't shed a tear through the entire service, partially because the songs were new and not ones with which I had IF/religious associations.

However, on the way out the door, the raw nerve that still remains from this entire infertility experience was exposed. We crossed paths with the couple, Ja & Tr.

My husband likes Ja, and he seems like a pleasant enough guy. But a bit less than two years ago, Tr made a comment to me that struck my sensitive IF nerves. Dh and I had been ttc for well over a year and she commented at a small group function, "It's so nice to meet a couple our age that doesn't have children."

Well, I didn't hesitate to look her in the eye and calmly inform her that dh and I had been trying long and hard to start a family without a bit of luck. Wouldn't you know it, she conceived two months later. Of course, I was outraged by the injustice of it all.

Well, we haven't seen this couple since September. Dh did travel all but ten weeks from September through May, leaving on Sundays as required by his company. There was no way that I was going to go face hundred of families alone. Then there was no way that we were going to stir up my emotions in May. I was going to get through this IVF without taking "happy pills" or any other meds in addition to the standard IVF cocktail.

Of course, Ja & Tr are pregnant AGAIN. They are due in September. I saw no sense in congratulating Tr after her comment. My goodness, she got knocked up again only months after giving birth. It's just not fair, especially when she sounded as though she didn't even want children. Now, Tr is going to have two children before dh and I even manage to have one. Then you have dh and I who have to go all the way to ICSI just to have an embryo, and all we can do is hope it continues to stick.

Thank goodness dh didn't open his mouth and tell Ja & Tr that we are expecting in February. He at least used his judgement in this case.

I can already see that it won't matter how smoothly this pregnancy goes: it's going to take a long time to get over IF.

What You Shouldn't See In the RE's Office

OMG, Friday when I returned to the RE for my third beta I walked into the door to a very shocking sight. Honestly, at first I thought I was in the wrong drs office.

I had two reactions that were almost immediate. I wanted to turn around and walk out of the drs office. I also was nanoseconds away from shouting, "OMG!!!" with a bit of profanity mixed in.

Things like this should never occur in an RE's office.

I walked in to see a VERY pregnant woman sitting on the loveseat with a cheap pink tank top pulled all the way up over her very round belly. Another woman, about her age, was sitting beside her on the loveseat rubbing, make that massaging, her belly as the pregnant woman seemed to moan with pleasure. One of the two had a seven year old boy with them who was sitting in an adjacent row of seats.

There were two other patients in the office whose eyes were a bit more averted from the other patients than is normal. They were obviously disturbed by the scene.

I grabbed the very first magazine that I could get my hands on. It could have been a copy of "Field and Stream" and that would have been just fine. Anything was preferable to the sight in front of me. I've never buried my face deeper into a magazine or held one higher, but nothing could block out the noise.

I sat in the waiting room just seething. I really wanted to storm back into the office to talk with the ladies behind the front desk to find out if they were aware of the display in the office. Or maybe shout at the two women, "You do realize that this is an INFERTILITY clinic. Please show some discretion." Before my IVF cycle I honestly probably would not have hesitated to have done both. However, on Friday, after a marginal rise on a second beta, I was leary and afraid all I would do was bring myself bad luck by being rude to a pregnant lady.

Thankfully, I only had to wait fifteen minutes before the lab called me back to have my blood drawn. Of course, the two women stopped their antics whenever the employees opened the door to the waiting room to call people back.

Some people have no sense of decency.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Beta: 21 dp3dt

The results are 3697, which is a 96% rise over the past 4 days. I'm feeling much better about things. My first u/s is scheduled for 7/12, and if things look good I will be released to the OB.