Even After a BFP, IF Still Haunts You

Dh and I did something very, very brave. We have actually been to church the last two Sundays. The first Sunday we were actually semi-prompted due to the fact that our church was having its first service in the new building that has been under construction for about two years. It was tough. I still wanted to cry during all of the old songs that upset me, but finally after having my first BFP I could look at a family without becoming emotionally distraught.

Today, the second Sunday, actually went great. I didn't shed a tear through the entire service, partially because the songs were new and not ones with which I had IF/religious associations.

However, on the way out the door, the raw nerve that still remains from this entire infertility experience was exposed. We crossed paths with the couple, Ja & Tr.

My husband likes Ja, and he seems like a pleasant enough guy. But a bit less than two years ago, Tr made a comment to me that struck my sensitive IF nerves. Dh and I had been ttc for well over a year and she commented at a small group function, "It's so nice to meet a couple our age that doesn't have children."

Well, I didn't hesitate to look her in the eye and calmly inform her that dh and I had been trying long and hard to start a family without a bit of luck. Wouldn't you know it, she conceived two months later. Of course, I was outraged by the injustice of it all.

Well, we haven't seen this couple since September. Dh did travel all but ten weeks from September through May, leaving on Sundays as required by his company. There was no way that I was going to go face hundred of families alone. Then there was no way that we were going to stir up my emotions in May. I was going to get through this IVF without taking "happy pills" or any other meds in addition to the standard IVF cocktail.

Of course, Ja & Tr are pregnant AGAIN. They are due in September. I saw no sense in congratulating Tr after her comment. My goodness, she got knocked up again only months after giving birth. It's just not fair, especially when she sounded as though she didn't even want children. Now, Tr is going to have two children before dh and I even manage to have one. Then you have dh and I who have to go all the way to ICSI just to have an embryo, and all we can do is hope it continues to stick.

Thank goodness dh didn't open his mouth and tell Ja & Tr that we are expecting in February. He at least used his judgement in this case.

I can already see that it won't matter how smoothly this pregnancy goes: it's going to take a long time to get over IF.