Factions of Infertility
Infertility is very painful psychologically and physically. On that point, everyone who has experienced it in one form or another would agree.
However, it's rather sad that some people feel the need to indicate that their suffering from infertility is worse than others. (I can already hear the natives getting ready to scream at me.)
I just had a comment from someone who admirably was showing some restraint in voicing her opinion. Sadly, this individual seems to have suffered from several miscarriages in the past. What amazes me is that she is apparently trying to belittle my feelings, and my infertility experience.
Most people would admit that what I have been through is true, valid infertility. My husband and I are actually dealing with at least three known factors that result in infertility. This posters comment basically seemed to say to me, "At least you haven't suffered the pain of a miscarriage." Well, actually I feel as though I have. In the last two and a half years I can't help but wonder how many, if any, embryos might have been formed from our months of ttc and seven IUIs. It's highly possible that the wicked disorder, endometriosis, is resulting in very early miscarriages. Alas, I have no proof. There's no way for me to really know if my eggs and my husbands sperm can actually form an embryo until we start IVF when our schedules allow us to do so, if our next IUI also fails.
I do hope that poster wasn't trying to one up me on the IF front. I'm tired of hearing the secondary IFers whine that they are discriminated against on the IF front, when those of us without proof of any form of conception are discriminated against as well.
I will point out that the only post where I was perturbed with anyone who was complaining after suffering a miscarriage clearly indicated that the individual had a very young child, who is less than two. Also, the individual was pregnant again shortly after. She is also a teacher who has some idea of what I have gone through, including my six months experiencing pseudomenopause while taking Lupron for endo. (May I add it is far worse than using microdose Lupron for IVF, because the side effects don't get really bad until after the first month.)
Wow! It's amazing. I really wish I could let those of you who complain about my posts walk in my shoes. After you've dealt with the fear of cervical cancer, despite regular paps, and all of the check ups following surgery only to learn you also have endometriosis isn't any easy path to travel along. I can only hope that after two and a half years of infertility that if I should ever conceive, that it won't end in a miscarriage. I feel as though I'm due to have something positive happen in my life.
Then again, maybe I should just be thankful that I have a husband who loves me dearly, and has been beside me every step of the way through all of my medical problems. I know there are plenty of women who aren't fortunate enough to have found and married the love of their life.
8 Comments:
I wasn't saying that my pain, from having miscarriages was worse than your pain. In your about me section, you say you are worse off, in more pain, ect, than someone who has gotten pregnant and had a miscarriage, because its better than never having been pregnant at all. I just hope that when you do get pregnant, you don't have a miscarriage. That you don't go through seeing a heartbeat and then having it die, or any of that. Because then you will know another great pain, and that would be horrible.
Personally, I think that if you are trying to get pregnant and can't, you are on a terrible path.
I also think that if you can get pregnant, yet you never see that baby at the end of the journey, because you keep losing it, that is another terrible path.
Neither one is worse than the other, because in the end, both people want the same thing.
And in saying that your infertility is worse than someone that can get pregnant but who loses the baby every time, you are putting down some great women, like Grrl, who got pregnant, and lost it, many times, only to find out that she really can't ever carry in her own womb. But because she was able to get pregnant, is she better off than you, who never got that bfp?
What about women who go through IVF and IUIs, go through that pain, and the money and everything involved, and get that bfp, and then go on to lose the baby?
Once again, not saying that those who get pregnant and lose the baby are in more pain, or a worse place than you. What I'm saying is we are not secondary. Especially those of us with no livve babies in our arms, after seeing heartbeat after heartbeat after heartbeat.
We are not people to feel like we have it good, we are not people to feel as if we don't belong, just because we get pregnant.
We are here to support one another, no matter what form of IF you have, no matter what happens to you in life, no matter if you can get pregnant, can't get pregnant, have multiple d and c's or just keep bleeding out naturally.
No one really knows what pain another person is going through, because even though we are all on the same path, or at least heading for the same destination, we cannot walk in each others shoes, and so we can never say that our pain is worse than someone elses, or even better.
You have a lot to be thankful for in your life. Its kind of sad that all seems to be brushed aside due to your infertility.
OK, Anonymous what part of 'this is my blog. This is what I'll vent and rant about, so if you disagree, please spare me your comments’ didn’t you get??!! Yes, it is impossible to compare who’s pain is worse but perceived pain for each of us is always going to be worse than someone else’s since it’s our heartstrings getting yanked on. Yes, miscarriage sucks (I’ve had two) but to go on and on about you i.e. “I also think that if you can get pregnant, yet you never see that baby at the end of the journey, because you keep losing it, that is another terrible path” in someone else’s blog makes no sense to me! From my 2 years of miscarriage hell, I have found some good support sites (inciid.org for example) that were helpful so why don’t you go trolling over there and leave my friend Jen alone!
Jen, I hope that I don't start anything nasty in your blog but I got a little uppity myself because I have been through miscarriages and I never felt the need to attack anyone else for feeling the way you do. Your are totally right for feeling the way you do and I have the hightest hopes for you. I am very protective of my LDs friends lfmurphy (Lindsay)
Comments on pain and whos pain is worse than who's is just childesh and makes everyone sound stupid and insensitive.
Once again, everyone of the Barren Bitches wants a child, and not all of us are on the same journey to get there, or are there for the same reasons: ie male factor, miscarriages, IVF, donor eggs, adoption, endo, pcos, ect.
Why don't we just respect the fact that we are all in pain no matter what form it is in?
I just wanted to say that I thought the first anonymous post was beautifully stated and truly heart-felt. Thank you. I absolutely love the sentiment that we are here to support one another regardless of why we have been left to struggle with IF.
I am the first to admit that I have become a very bitter person after dealing with the curve balls that my body has thrown to me the last five years. I have believed all of my life that anything is possible if you just work hard enough at it. IF has taught me a difficult lesson.
Unfortunately, more often than not, people manage to throw the pain I have experienced back in my face, such as the teacher at my school who was asking for advice on the adoption process because her pregnancy was so awful she couldn't imagine going through that again. She's the same person who was feeling as though she was struggling with infertility because she has been ttc #2 for all of seven months. (I wickedly went ahead and congratulated her, telling her she should have her BFP any month now since the national average is seven months.)
I cancelled my Type Pad blog because the last few weeks I was posting on it I seemed to get much more negative, judgemental feedback instead of support, which resulted in my harsh "about me" section in this blog.
I'm very curious and wondering who anonymously commented, "You have a lot to be thankful for in your life. Its kind of sad that all seems to be brushed aside due to your infertility." At first I wondered if it was possibly someone who knew me IRL. 99.9% of the people who know me would think I live a charmed, perfect existance. Anyway, I'll be sure to include a lovely, bulleted, "Things I Am Thankful For" in the near future, since it's been on my to do list anyway. (It will be a disgusting, unrealistic bit untempered by the multiple struggles I get to deal with, which aren't only on the ttc front. I'll have to dig my pom poms out of the closet for this one ladies.)
Lindsay, I loved your post! I couldn't have been more excited for you when you finally got your sticky BFP. I probably didn't do the greatest job of communicating those feelings to you at the time. (Partly because there was a point where it seemed like everyone I congratulated had a miscarriage. It was a dark time on the boards.) Thanks for your continued hope for me sweetie.
I'll admit I have to response to the latest reply. I'm not quite sure where to go with that one.
I posted the "be thankful" comment and don't want to go through the hassle of setting up a Blogger account, so here I am.
No one lives a charmed, perfect existence and I doubt 99.9% of the people you know think so...that's actually kind of an arrogant way to go through life. Although you may think your angerness and bitterness doesn't carry over to the world IRL, it does. I've read your posts for months and although you think you're in this bubble all alone...and in your mind, you are...everyone else who is a part of your life is involved as well, whether you think so or not. It's painful to be around someone who thinks people who are blessed somehow don't deserve to be happy because they aren't going through the struggles that you do. That's painfully obvious. Why SHOULDN'T family and friends be excited about a relative's pregnancy or birth of a child? Because it might be upsetting to you? Get over yourself, lots of things in life are upsetting! Do you think my friends won't discuss their parental woes because my mom died a couple years ago? They avoided the subject for awhile but for crying out loud, we're not China dolls. You gotta learn to deal with reality. LIFE GOES ON, even if yours has come to a screeching halt.
I doubt you're doing as good of a job covering up as you might think. People are very perceptive and it's terrible that you can judge people as harshly as you do, but everyone else had better not say anything that might make your blood pressure go up even a point.
The entire world isn't out to get you, and not everyone throws things in your face. To be completely honest, people probably aren't as interested in your fertility situation as you might think.
I don't know you IRL, but my best friend is infertile and she's managing to alienate every single person in her life because she can't get it into her head that although her IF challenges are great (no one's doubting that for a second), everyone else's world doesn't stop rotating because of it. I got no support from her when my mother died, but you'd better believe I got yelled at when I didn't respond in a distressed enough manner when she got a BFN. Why am I still friends with her? Tough to say. Part of me is telling me to be the bigger person but at the same time, why tiptoe around someone who is so self-absorbed and can't see the good in her life, only that which she thinks she's being robbed of. You get what you give.
I know you don't see this as supportive, but I also have never believed that agreeing with people 100% of the time is supportive, either. If someone is cruel and mean to others, all the while expecting puppies and rainbows and balloons and "congratulations" when their ship finally comes in will probably be very, very disappointed. Just a little food for thought. Don't alienate everyone else and look down on them because they're not bowing to your every need, desire and emotion.
Kellie (TTCNUMBER1)
Wow, Jen. I'm sorry that people are so damn ridiculous. This is YOUR blog and you should be able to say whatever you want without being attacked. As far as who hurts more, the person who has never had a bfp or the one who has had 1 (or 3, in my case) only to end in an early miscarriage, I don't think any of us can say. We are not in the other's shoes.
The last person who responded here before me seems to have a chip on HER should regarding infertile people. I guess she doesn't quite get IT that being infertile is as painful as losing a parent. Believe me I know, I've been though both. It's maybe more painful...
I think that people in general SHOULD regard other's feelings regarding their infertility, or cancer, or parent loss, or whatever. Not everyone can just "get over it" so quickly or easily. My parents have been dead for 13 and 14 years, and I still get upset at times.
I had my first miscarriage on mother's day. Don't you think I think about that each and every Mother's day? My dh and I have been trying for 5 years to get pg... hasn't happened yet. It hurts each and every time I think of it.
Sorry if I got upset here, just upset with people treating your blog as their vendetta against infertile people I guess.
Kellie
To the second "anon" poster who says that Jen should just get over herself:
It's funny, because you talk about how self-centered Jen is, how she should get over herself, how the world doesn't stop. And yet you don't know her in real life. You read her blog, though, which is surprising--why read her blog if it upsets you so much? Remember that this is her blog, her place to vent about infertility. Where else will she get to do that? Not in front of people like you, that's for sure.
I think it's sad that you're not kinder to your best friend. Infertility is more than a bad day. It's more than a aw shucks, I can't get pregnant, oh well, moving on now. It colors EVERYTHING in life. Fertility is all around us, and sometimes it can be very hard to move on. I have my infertility smacked in my face all the time. It's pretty hard to get away from it. But obviously, YOU have the answer--we should all just get over ourselves. Well, maybe you should just stop reading blogs that you don't or can't understand. Because in the end, you just end up sounding cruel and hurtful.
Jen, I'm thinking about you.
Karen/Naked Ovary
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