Dh's appt

Dh went to his appt with the new urologist today. Come to find out there was no point in doing the scans to check for varicoceles because most of his sperm aren't shaped right. They are too round to be able to even penetrate an egg. Then, there are a majority of others with tails that aren't even swimming. Poor dh even got to look at them through the microscope. :( Supposedly the good news is that there are some normal ones that would be able to fertilize an egg with ICSI, if my eggs are normal. HA! At this point I even have to wonder if that would be possible. The urologist is supposed to call the RE and let him know exactly how bleak our situation is.

The urologist listed some vitamins that he wants dh to take for at least three months before we do ICSI. He has another appt on Feb. 12.

Dh has been so sad and depressed that right now I'm just hoping he can make it home from across the bay in one piece in rush hour traffic.

And, this day is commemorated by my best friend going into labor 12 days early. Most likely everything is going to be okay, but we will always be able to remember the child's b'day as the day we found out that there was absolutely no chance of us ever getting pregnant naturally, and that IUI is even a very long shot.

I'm going to go stick my head in the sand.

Apparently, I Am Invisible

What a weekend... I spent Friday night chaperoning a middle school dance, which of course is always an enjoyable way to spend a Friday night, especially when you are an elementary teacher at a K-8 school. (Yeah, whatever!) It was especially fun when I was almost stepped on about a dozen times during the evening. Actually, stepped on would be an understatement. If I hadn't moved I would have been jumped on several times and a couple of events may have required an ambulance. Thank goodness I was paying attention. However, I tried to make excuses for those kids. Perhaps if it hadn't been so dark they would have seen me better, etc. Unfortunately, the trend continued when dh and I went to the new mall, um make that "Life Style Center," in our area. I can not tell you how many times I was almost run over both by Moms with baby carriages and some total idiots who just weren't paying a bit of attention to what they were doing.

I may be short, but I didn't realize I was invisible.

My Mom Did It Again...

My dh is working out of town this week, so I had dinner with my parents. My Mom dared to suggest that perhaps I can't have children because I'm supposed to be a foster parent and take care of all of those children who don't have good homes. I blew my top. Then, I reminded her that I already do that Monday through Friday anyway as a teacher. How can my own mother be so clueless? And, she still won't stop talking about my pregnant sister at every possible moment when I'm there by myself. @@

What to Expect...

I have a real problem with the infertility book "What to Expect When You're Not Expecting" by Ty Cannady. You see, when I ordered this book from Amazon.com I had actually hoped for something, well different... Instead, I got the twelve step program for infertility all summed up in 127 pages.

Usually I love web sites like Amazon.com. However, in the case of this book, the site is a bad idea. If only I had been able to peruse a copy of this book at my local bookstore. Oh, wait... My local bookstore has a pitiful selection of books on the subject of IF. You see, apparently infertility doesn't happen in my county. (The home of the beautiful people and all... Roll eyes here.)

If I had seen this book, I would have known it wasn't for me. The table of contents says it all, with chapter titles like Expectations, Denial, Anger...Faith, Patience, Trust....

I really, really doubt that the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" would dare insinuate to pregnant ladies to just use God to emotionally get over their "crisis," or to just accept pregnancy and move on. Oh no! Pregnant ladies are much too pampered in our society to be dealt with in any manner approaching frank. Never mind the fact that too many parents need to be told to accept their status as parents, grow up, and place their children first. This is just one example of how infertile people are bullied by our society.

And, why, oh why, does it not forewarn pregnant ladies in "What To Expect When You're Expecting" that it is quite possible that some bitter IF-er could very well throw that book at them in the bookstore with the accuracy of a World Series pitcher? (Of course there were several copies of the preggo addition on hand in the book store today. Thank goodness I didn't actually see any pregnant ladies in Books a Million this afternoon. Otherwise, I would probably be incarcerated at this very moment. So, maybe Amazon.com is in fact a good idea after all.)

Playing with Balls: Take Two

So, dh decided that he wanted to make an appt with a urologist that our RE actually recommends. Never mind the fact that I suggested this about 8 months ago. It's sad when your husband is so depressed about our failed efforts at ttc that he volunteers to go have yet another man "manhandle" his equipment.

I can only imagine how awkward the call to the new drs office must have been...

Dh, "Yes, I'd like to make an appt with Dr. XYZ."

Receptionist, "Are you a patient?"

Dh, "No, but you see my wife and I are having fertility issues. I've seen a different urologist in the past. However, I'm hoping Dr. XYZ will have more expertise in the varicocele department."

Pause while the receptionist considers all of the possibilities of booking one of those desperate infertile people. I can see the dollar signs rolling in her eyes.

Dh, "So, perhaps I should ask how Dr. XYZ diagnoses varicoceles. Does he perform actual tests, or just depend on his experience with visual and tactile identification."

Receptionist, "Dr. XYZ is the only one in our office who will do... blah blah blah blah blah..."

Dh, "Oh great! I'm really looking forward to one of those cold u/s machines exploring my nether regions. How soon can I book?"

Receptionist, "Oh, well Dr. XYZ is in such high demand. How does February 15 sound? At 10 a.m."

Dh, "I'm sorry, but that just won't do. You see, I traveal a lot for buisness and I just don't know if I'll be in town that far in advance. Plus, our last box of Gonal-F expires in February. Let me call Dr. Phil Meup to see how his schedule looks."

The receptionist breaks out into a cold sweat... "Wait! Maybe I can squeeze you in on November 23. How does 9:30 sound?"

Dh, "I'll be there with bells on! Wahoo! Make sure Dr. XYZ has had a manicure before hand. My wife has soft hands, and callouses just won't do. I can't risk chaffing you know."

Great! There's nothing like picturing yet another man in my husband's pants. That's even worse than thinking about him jacking off to girly magazines before IUIs.

Of Course There Are Other TigerJens

Well, I was checking out some info on who has been frequenting my blog in my absence, and I noticed that someone did a Google search for TigerJen. I was interested in seeing the findings of that search.

And, of course there are other TigerJens. Apparently there must be someone who has nicknamed herself TigerJen who has a very keen interest in the porn industry, or at least the online porn industry. I just wanted to clarify that we are in fact two different TigerJens. Yikes! After all, could anyone imagine a porn star TigerJen who was frequently running off to get her follies measured? Well, granted porn is involved in the entire dh jacking off prior to IUI ordeal, but quite frankly I prefer not to think about that.

Long Time No Post

Well, I've actually been trying to post the last few days, but it's been so long since I lasted posted that I had forgotten my user name and password.

I found out about a tragedy amongst my "local" fertile friends during the past week. Dh and I have been friends with another married couple, K&E for a long time, actually since before either of us found out about our fertility issues. We used to go out together frequently, and once we even met up in Tennessee to go white water rafting together.

Unfortunately, K&E had their own fertility issues. They were able to get pregnant, apparently without much difficulty, but they could never stay pregnant. A known issue was that K had a bicornate uterus. K&E suffered much heart break after suffering yet one miscarriage after another.

Sadly, K also had issues with being underpaid by her nursing job at the local hospital. Eventually, she accepted a position as a traveling nurse which resulted in her spending three months at a time working in California, while E was left home alone. It was a sad situation, but K was earning $50 an hour as a traveling nurse, and she rationalized the time she spent away by reminding herself that she couldn't have children.

After a while, dh and I were doing well to see K&E twice a year. Usually they would come to the Mardi Gras ball for dh's organization, and then we managed to see them once in the summer.

Well, E called dh last week and told him that K had asked her for a divorce. I was just in shock! Seriously, K&E both seemed so suited for another in a witty, intelligent, humerous sort of way. I absolutely adored them as a couple, and felt completely at ease.

Dh and I have seen E a couple of times in the past week. I regret to say that he has no idea where K is even at. Also, K has "custody" of their two cats. I can only imagine how lonely E is feeling. Still, he was left to pack up some of K's things this weekend to send up to her aunt in Birmingham, who is going to then send them to K.

One of the nurses at my RE's office has tried to forewarn me not to get to depressed amidst all of this IF hulla balloo. I realize that K&E had other issues with K working a traveling job. However, it is still an eye opener when a fellow IF couple has parted ways.